Still Kickin' Around

I am feeling much less emo about my situation now. It still sucks, and it will be hard getting out of it and back on track - but I think I have my emotions in check. Everyone is allowed to freak out every once in awhile...

I know I am nothing like my mom and I would rather die before leaving my family - I am so damn worried that I will get into a funk like she did when she let her depression get the better of her - I guess this is all the more reason to buck up and make sure that doesn't happen. I get more like this when things seem out of control - so after some planning and budgeting, taking some 'me' time and knowing I am not alone in this *hugs to Jack* I feel so much better. Still majorly bummed and stressed... not so much like my world is upside down. Sitting around moping and snapping at everyone that spoke to me was really not working to improve anything.


Paige's nana and papa have picked up the bill for her dance classes that I am behind on... I was just going to take her out and pay up her first month - but they werent going to see her go without. I feel like a huge mooch letting them do this since they are also paying to fix my car, but I know they are doing it so that Paige doesn't have to miss out due to some bad decisions on our part. Even Paige has come to the point where she said to us today that we should take the money from her savings and put it in our bank account to pay bills. She is such a sweetheart, but there is no way we will let ourselves go there. We have been through rough times before and never touched it, we are not going to start now!

And, I have some kick ass friends. You all have been so supportive of my craziness and I am glad that I have you to vent to. I couldn't have been more surprised coming home to what I did tonight, and I actually sat here and bawled. (maybe still a little emotional) You know who you are, and you really shouldn't have - I just am so touched that you thought of us and did this. And again, with feeling like the mooch, I feel like I shouldn't accept....

So now, for me, starts the not-so-fun process of eating mac and cheese, skimping on new winter clothes, no more daily cappacinos and loads of overtime. You know, the kind when you start to feel like you live in your cubicle? yeah... that. The good news is that putting in an extra 2.5 days worth of hours and giving up my Saturdays off is going to give a nice little boost to my paycheque and I will end up grossing close to double to amount I usually make - thank you overtime and holiday pay! If only I could do this every week - but I don't think my sister in law wants to give up all of her Saturdays to babysit :P

I so feel like a loser right now. I know this situation is only temporary and we are bound to catch up... but every time I think about where we are I am sure I look like some irresponsible youngin' who screwed up royally. It's partially true.

Now, a little bit of a jealous rant. I love my brother, I really do. He is doing AWESOME. Just graduated a few years ago with his masters in Economics and started a new government job making good money. Over the weekend I found out he already got a raise, he is now doing tax auditing for the government and really finding his groove. He has told his wife he wants her to stay at home since he makes enough for the both of them. When my step mother told me, I answered with a sarcastic 'well isn't that nice' - and immediately felt guilty. My sister also has a job right out of college working in a lab making about 10,000 more a year than I make. Grrr. Good for them,, I am glad they are doing well... but I might have to make little voodoo dolls that I can poke from time to time. Why isn't my 3-year stint in college doing me any good?? I think I am destined to be unlucky. Or.. I am not in the right place. Maybe I should move... but that probably won't happen.

Ugh. babbling again.