...I have no idea.....

Ugh. I don't even know where to start whining. Payday is a week away and we have to live off of $40 until then. That is not much for a family of four. Paige's school keeps asking for money for this and that.. hot lunches ($40, for every Wednesday until Christmas), the school trip to the conservation area ($7), a recorder for music class (god forbid they provide them with one.. $15). It adds up and with the tight budget we are working with I want to strangle the school for asking for this crap. I can't make her sit in the library while her class goes on a trip, or have her miss out on music because I wanted to save that money for groceries. I can't tell her that she can't have subway and pizza and chicken nuggets for hot lunch when everyone else is getting it.

I don't want to be the mother that can't give her child these things. I don't want Paige to be the girl who is left out because we can't afford it. So it looks like I don't eat this week.

You might think that I am being dramatic, but I have never been more serious. This is what it has come to, because without borrowing more money, it is slim pickings. I don't want to owe any more. The kids will be taken care of, and us... well we deal. I have a hard time writing this here, knowing that people lurk by and read. But judge if you will.. I need to get this out somewhere or I am going to take it out on the wrong people. We have so gradually gotten ourselves into this mess that I didn't even realize what was happening. And now we have alot of work to do.

I am considering getting a second job, a night job I can go to after I have finished my shift at 12. I don't want to, but I am stating to feel like I have to. I feel guilty looking at our possesions when we are sitting here like this, like I should be selling the camera, or the laptop, or the tv's to make some money. I don't feel like I deserve to have this stuff sitting here when our poor budgeting and spending on these things have put us where we are.

I hate that when I buy something now, I have to think beofre spending $5 - if I buy this, I might not be able to get this..I am choosing between paying bills and buying food. Buying gas and having clothes that fit. Soon I have to buy a new snowsuit for Paige and they aren't cheap. Christmas is coming and I think I might seriously vomit if I have to start thinking about the kind of money that is spent on Christmas, and that I may not be able to give my kids a christmas at all.

I am so stressed out. I am scared about what will happen. Will it come to the point that we have our phone shut off? or our internet?? I don't have creditors calling, we aren't that far behind, but the thought that we are thisclose, and have no savings to fall back on in case of emergency is terrifying. I think what scares me the most though, is the feeling I get when I imagine a life free from this worry, the responsibilities of running a house, parenthood, marriage , the job I hate.. I get scared because my biological mother craacked under the pressure of a touch marriage and mommyhood to 3. Because she couldn't get through the rough times when my dad worked as a pool man and keep it together for the family. Scared because she ended up taking off and abandoning everyone. I'm scared because she suffers from a variety of mood disorders and depression and I don't want to end up like her. Every time I have a 'the grass is greener...' moment I worry about whether it is normal.. or is it just a matter of time before I crack like she did.

Wow. So that was alot of rambling. God I'm fucked up right now.