.I fucked up.

I'm a shitty wife, and have really fucked up a few times. Not intentionally, but the reprecussions are the same.

I should probably be saying what I am about to write to Jack, but he doesn't want to hear me right now and I am better at typing it out than verbalizing anyways.

The past is best left in the past. When I typed out my randoms thoughts of reminicing last night, I never even thought it could be taken in a hurtful way. I guess that was me being inconsiderate, or at least failing to recognize that he may interpret things the wrong way. I was thinking about how things USED to be, and experiences I had, and relationships - but in no way does that mean it is my desire to revisit those relationships. I am a naturally curious person, and I think alot of us like to see where old friends/boyfriends have ended up in life. If I had known it would have hurt him, I wouldn't have bothered.

My marriage now is obviously much more important than being able to say a quick hello, or going back to those places. I think it is important to remember where you came from and the things that helped to shape you as a person, but perhaps I should have kept it to myself. The one thing I wrote, about not letting go of a first 'love' (if you can call it that, more like crazy teenage crush) was not meant in a way that I will carry a torch for him, or love him or really have any kind of emotional attachment. It was meant that I won't ever forget that experience and how it helped me to grow.

It was that relationship, among others, that has helped me get to a place where I am now where I know what I want and what is important to me. I realize that companionship, compatibility, trust and laughter are huge, and idealistic romances are nice but not necessary. I know I want to be secure with someone who knows me and all of my faults and loves me all the same, someone who will cherish my children as I do. It is important to be able to laugh at myself and be with someone who will make me laugh when all I want to do is cry. I love being part of a team and having my someone to lean on, even when I'm too proud to admit that I need it.

As far as idealistic romances, the only one that I have ever wanted to go back to was with Jack. I'm not sure he realizes it, or knows how lucky I feel that I have him. I hate that I have made him feel in any way that I am unsatisfied, or looking for greener pastures. That is so far from the truth.. I would laugh if the thought of him believing it didn't break my heart.

I just want him to know that I love him. No one else. We are in this together and I just can't stand it that I've hurt him. No amount of trips down memory lane are important enough to do that. I just wish I had the words to make him understand all of this.